Difficulty Moving On . . . . . . .

If you have read some of the recent postings on this blog site, you know that I just completed a move to a new house.

Until I got really involved in the process of leaving the apartment where I had lived happily for eight years, I thought that just another move would be the easiest thing in the world. I am fairly well-organized. I hold no opposition to the idea of change and movement for any individual or society. And I spent years traveling internationally. My image of myself was as a person who embraces and even welcomes change.

As a country, Americans are committed to change. Have you counted how many times in the past few weeks you have heard the phrase "moving on"? I have no proof but it is my belief that this phrase was hardly ever used even a decade ago. In the United States, we encourage not only physical movement but psychological movement. A person in bereavement is encouraged to move on. A divorced person is encouraged to move on. People who have suffered serious traumas calculate their health by their ability to move on.

So, getting back to my situation, I moved exactly eight minutes by car from my old apartment. In this process I have discovered a number of things about myself. Basic to these discoveries is my enjoyment of a regular fixed routine. I found that just a very small thing such as where I leave my keys when I come in the door could drive me crazy.

And the chaos! For several weeks, many of my possessions, including all of my books, were left behind at the other apartment. I found that I had not labeled the moving boxes in such a way as to be able to find things when I needed them.

Friends would ask if I am enjoying the new house. I would have difficulty trying to decide whether or not to tell them the truth (no, no yet because I feel so unsettled here) or just say something like "It is wonderful to be here."

Just learning new public transportation schedules, seeing new neighbors each day, buying groceries at a new neighborhood supermarket have all left me feeling very much at loose ends sometimes.

Yes, I myself "moved on" to a new house that I myself selected and purchased. But it has been a largely unpleasant and unsettling experience. So I am left wondering if my difficulty navigating change is something that I am developing as I age or if it is just the normal response to having a fairly regulated existence turned upside down for awhile.

As I write these notes, I have been in the new house for about five weeks. It is beginning to seem right and feel like I wanted it to feel. Now I know which drawer holds the flatware and where to leave my keys when I come in the door. Still, the experience of learning that my response to change is more brittle than I thought is unsettling.