Intergenerational Funk

I have just returned from Colorado where I interfaced with different persons in my family. There was my mother, who turned 83 when I was there. There was my great niece, Kathryn, who is about one and a half years old. There is my 57 year old sister and her 27 year old daughter and her husband. And there were others.

Being in inter-generational situations is not new or very unusual for me. Much of my life was spent in traditional cultures in Africa and Latin America where segmentation of generations is not normal--at least it was not normal when I was there. People of different ages live together under one roof; play together and often dance together (can you hear an American teen respond "Gross!" at that idea?); pray together in church and work together.

In other words, the kind of predominant youth culture with its own symbols, activities, language, clothing, etc. as we know it in America is somewhat missing in these situations. The idea that youth is split off from the wider community of human care and concern and material endeavor would shock many of my friends in Africa and Latin America as "unnatural."

In these places and elsewhere in the world, young people aspire towards adulthood and heavier responsibility. Not at all like in the USA where adults often take their cues from youth cultures and actually aspire in their constant makeovers to being young or youthful.

Much of my life, especially in the bookstore where I work, is spent interfacing with people much younger than myself. I like it very much! And I have learned so much from other generations. As someone who is nearly 62 years old, I am exposed to youth music, new ideas and many questions that I never remotely entertained when I was the same age as my younger colleague friends.

In my home, I have hosted younger persons for up to two years at a time. They have become my family along with my daughter and son and others.

So, if I get such energy and pleasure out of being with young people, even in this generationally segmented society, what is my problem? My funk?

To put it briefly, I am at home with what Paul Vaillant of Harvard calls "generativity" or caring for the next generation. This seems to come naturally to me. But, what I discovered in Colorado, especially as I tried to interface well and in a healthy way with my mother, is that it is much harder for me to relate to older persons (hey, I mean "older than me at age 62").

We spent some time in the great mountains at Rocky Mountain National Park. Nowhere in that gorgeous place is there a flat surface. I found myself fretting constantly about my mother's balance. I imagined the one fall while I would be with her that would result in a broken hip! Thank God, it did not happen.

I also found it hard to listen to her. Her points of reference are so much in the past and embedded in memories. While I wanted to listen to her as she reminisced about my grandfather or my great grandmother or cousin Hazel, I found myself wanting to have some great discussion about Reinhold Niebuhr or about the state of the world economy . . . . . . . .

Conclusion: I am not good, for whatever reason, with older persons. And, frankly, this bothers me because I am fast on the way to where my mom is now. A fourth of a lifetime only separates where she is now from where I will be.

I returned from Colorado troubled with my inability to reach out as well to the very old as to the very young. This is my intergenerational funk and, you won't be surprised, it is compounded by the fact that it involves my own mother.

So, I am busy mulling this over and trying to learn more about myself and about the aging process itself. My goal has been to age well. But I don't see how this can happen if I can't feel good about those who have already aged. By all accounts, my mom has done a good job. She is in relatively good health, is independent in mind and body and is interested in many things around her. I'll be lucky if I do as well as she has.

Normally, I wouldn't be so introspective on this blog. I decided that it would not be a "stream of conscience" blog when I established it. But my funk surely points to forces that are present in our current society.